BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Stayed up all night studying. Brain is melting at a much slower rate than expected.
However I think I am on the brink of insanity.
I don't miss him anymore.
I just miss how I felt when I was with him.
I can't seem to get that again.

My life is falling apart.

That's all.

I HATE OPEN OFFICE.

And here it is.

I still miss my ex. Every day. All the time.
Sooooo I feel like a terrible person.

And I've been trying to act like I don't. Like I'm fine. Like I don't care that he's not around ever.
And I shouldn't care! He's treated my friends and I like shit for months, and he's just recently begun to ignore me completely.
So what's the deal? I'm in a relationship with someone else. Someone who really cares about me, and I care about him.

The deal is, I suck.
I'm horrible.
I got into something I shouldn't have gotten into.

I thought I was fine.
I was just wrong.

And I've wanted to say something for a while and I just couldn't, but it's driving me CRAZY!

But I can't tell my best friend because she will just yell at me and talk about how he's a terrible person and I shouldn't spare a thought for him ever again.

I just suck. I know it.

And what's worse?
I told my boyfriend that I didn't know if this was such a good idea, because I had a lot of stuff to work through, and I kind of jumped into the relationship without thinking it through.

And he doesn't care. He thinks it'll pass. He thinks it'll be fine. He "understands" and is "fine" with it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

How could you possibly like someone so much that you don't even listen to what they are saying to you?

OH WAIT...

god damnit.

And I don't mean for this to be one of those pathetic things where I'm just pining for someone who will never ever come back. But maybe that's what it is. And maybe I don't want to interfere with his seemingly perfect life, so I've left him alone.

But haven't you ever had a person in your life that just understood you? Someone who accepted you for every crazy thing you'd ever done, and even enjoyed it?

I miss that. I miss that more than anything.

There won't ever be a couple quite like we were. We were strange. We were disgustingly affectionate. But we got each other. We knew each other inside out, and no one was ever that close. Ever.

And the one person that I thought would never go, was the one that tried to erase himself from my life completely, so that he could be another girl's perfect man.

And I've been holding in the urge to scream that I miss him, to call him up and tell him so, because I know that I shouldn't anymore. So I decided to post it here, on a blog that no one reads...hoping that I will somehow feel better?

But I just feel guilty. I feel guilty because every approach that I have taken in this new relationship of mine has only been because it would have been what my ex wanted. I did it because I didn't do it with him, and he resented me for it. But I also hold back. I don't open up and let this new guy in. We still barely know each other, and I fear losing my independence so much that I have no desire to change anything. I don't want to cling to him, or be around him all the time. I don't want him to know everything about me, nor do I want to know everything about him.

And maybe that's why things aren't going as well as they could. That could possibly be why I haven't developed stronger feelings and gotten over my fucking ex-boyfriend. Because I won't let myself get attached, or care, or give someone anywhere near as much attention. I don't want to.

I want to fly across the country and find him and run into his arms.

But you know what he would do? He'd push me off, and walk the other way.

And yeah, I sound fucking pathetic, right? I sound like a complete moron. I sound like those girls in crappy sitcoms that everyone wants to punch in the face for being so whiney and lame all the time. I sound like those women who just feel sorry for themselves and stop living their lives, and all of their friends are screaming "GET OVER IT OH MY GOD" at every opportunity.

But I haven't stopped living my life. I think I'm doing pretty well, and I am really enjoying myself. I just wish he were there with me. Even if we could be friends. At least I could see him, or talk to him on the phone every now and then. At least he would acknowledge my existence again.

I'm fucking pathetic. Someone put me out of my misery.

This is nowhere near as entertaining as Tumblr.

JUST SAYIN'.

Well, I haven't used THIS in a long time.

So, Tumblr is down, and in its place, I will use my old blogger account. Granted, this blog was made solely for my newspaper class, and I had no intention of using it for anything else, but what the hell.

http://whentumblrisdown.com/ - LOL.

"When Tumblr is down, the definition of 'shortly' changes dramatically."

Baahahaha.

I had a lot to say, but I guess I don't anymore. More later.